My daughter insists she doesn’t want a man

Dear Pastor,

When my brother wanted to get married and didn't know where to turn, I told him to call you and he did.

You officiated at his wedding. You even helped him to get a marriage licence. My brother did not even have the money to pay you but you told him that he should not worry about that. My brother always talks about how kind you were to him.

I never got married, but I have had men in my life, and I regret knowing some of them. I had a relationship with one that only lasted a few months. He got me pregnant and when I told him, he vanished. I never set my eyes on that man again. My daughter is now doing very well and we are living together. She is an evangelist at her church. She is not interested in getting married. I told her that I would love to have one or two grandchildren, but she is not interested in having a man. She is a beautiful girl. I told her that her father hurt me, but she should not allow what he did to let her carry bad feelings for him. I see very handsome men in the church and some of them love her, but she is not interested. I don't know what to do to make her interested in guys. She has a good job, so she feels that she can take care of herself without a man. One of the elders in the church offered her friendship and she told him flatly that she didn't like him, and to make matters worse, he is too short. I told her that was an insult, but she said that is how she feels - she has never liked short men.

I told my daughter that she should try and find a man. She said she can live without a man because she has watched me and I have never taken a man to the house. If I can do it, she will be able to do the same. It is true that I have not taken anybody to the house, but I have secretly had sex with a couple of men when my daughter was in high school. But she is not aware of that. I even got involved with my sister's husband, but just for a short period. When my sister was away studying and he and I were at the house alone, he begged me for sex and I could not resist him. That relationship was also very brief. I learn not to get tied up with men and to behave as if I cannot do without them. I have always worked hard and supported myself and I have taught my daughter to do the same.

I am now 40 years old. My daughter and I are very close and we own our house. She says that she wants to go back to school. Sometimes I feel that I am a hypocrite because I am giving her the impression that I have always walked the straight and narrow way and that is not totally true.

V.S.

Dear V.S.,

Your daughter doesn't have to know everything about your past and I would suggest that you don't encourage her to find a man.

But at the same time, do not do anything to discourage her. Some women are quite comfortable being single. Some wait too long before getting married and some have got married in their 60s and 70s; it's never too late to get married. On the other hand, I have seen women who have been very miserable as they get old. I doubt that men would love to be around them. They never say anything good about men. I hope that neither you nor your daughter will ever get to that stage.

There are many happy, single women, but there are others, who, although they are single, are burning with passion. Your daughter might change her mind when she meets a man she cannot resist.

Pastor